I really wanted to blog today, but I didn’t wanna do the standard “About Me” post, I wanted to write a churchy post, I haven’t done that in a while and I think now is a good time to do so. I grabbed my Bible and as I was walking back to my desk I said, “I wonder what God’s gonna show me today.” Many of you who know me, know that the whole “open-the-Bible-and-find-a-great-verse” thing doesn’t really work for me. So, God, with his brilliant sense of humor, opened the pages to Ezekiel 39, in which it talks about God causing the nations to fall, etc. Then I tried it again and my pages fell open to Ecclesiastes 12:1.
“Remember your Creator
in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
and the years approach when you will say,
‘I find no pleasure in them'” (NIV)
You can read the rest of the chapter for yourself, but this is the part I wanted to point out…
Lately, even though I’m on a very Christian campus around some very amazing, Godly people, I just haven’t been feeling too faithful to my religion. I keep questioning it and I keep telling myself how much easier it would be to just not be a Christian. I wouldn’t have to worry about making mistakes, I wouldn’t have to worry about if there’s really a Heaven or not, I wouldn’t have to worry about who are the people I should be surrounding myself with, I wouldn’t have to worry about if I’m a disappointment to my Father (and I don’t mean my Dad back home), I wouldn’t have to worry about being a bad example to someone else, I wouldn’t have to worry about a lot of things… I don’t know what to do about this immense loneliness I feel even though I’m supposed to be immersed in God’s love here. And lately I’ve been thinking about how much I miss my home church and how much I miss having a boyfriend, don’t mistake that for missing Daniel as a boyfriend I love him like a best friend, but our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend took too many turns down the wrong street. I miss not having a guy to reassure me when I’m down, I miss being able to cuddle in someone’s arms when I’ve had a bad day, I miss hqaving someone call me and tell goodnight every day before I go to bed, and I’ve begun to realize how much it hurts. I’ve also started worrying about what guys think of me here, I haven’t had to deal with crushes for over 3 years now, I really don’t like it that much after all.
But then today, in my U100 (University Seminar) class, my professor said in his devo today that everyone’s gonna feel that loneliness, it doesn’t matter when they’ll feel it, but they will. And they said if you “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” it’ll work out. God knows us better than we know ourselves, he created us. And I know that, but lately I just haven’t felt it. My thoughts just keep running through my head over and over and I don’t know what to do to stop them.
So this verse kind of helped me, but I still don’t know what to do… I remember God and I know who He is and what He’s done for me, but I just don’t feel like I’m a Christian right now. Somebody wanna help a sister out??
Well, I hope everyone else is having a better week than I am. I love you ALL, thanks for reading. :] Toodles!
(PS) I’m writing a story for this Friday’s issue of the Optimist, if you go to ACU you should check it out, if you don’t, I’ll post the link to the website when the story’s up. :]